👁️ Top Insights #134 - On War, Narcissism & Unbearable Compassion, Emotional Clearing, and Healing Your Relationships
Narcissism, terrorism and the inner war, emotional clearing crash course, and transforming our relationship with ourselves, our partners & the information ecology.
“Top Insights” is a monthly newsletter that shares mind-expanding podcasts, transformational frameworks, and insightful links that help you go beyond conventional development.
Welcome to the July 2025 edition of Top Insights 🎆
War, Narcissism, & Unbearable Compassion 💣 🪞💔
Imagine the kind of groundbreaking medical research we could be doing if we weren’t wasting billions on war.
We could be reversing illness and saving lives instead of perpetuating suffering and taking them.
I say “we” because I see us as one world.
Maybe part of the issue is our inability to truly sense that deep interconnectivity.
Of course, our sense of separation isn’t a bug; it’s a feature.
We need to develop a separate, individuated self.
In fact, those who don’t develop a strong and coherent sense of self often experience the most conflict, internally and interpersonally.
People think narcissists have big egos, but in reality, they have fragile, poorly integrated ones.
So yes, developing a strong, coherent self and healthy boundaries is a necessary starting point.
But we must also develop the capacity to see that these boundaries —between self and other, between nations, races, identities—are ultimately artificial.
The ability to draw boundaries is relatively useful, but each boundary we draw carries bias and leaves something important out.
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A child whose family is killed in war may develop complex PTSD. That trauma can later fuel a desire for revenge manifesting in acts of terror.
Another child grows up emotionally neglected, never properly mirrored, and eventually develops narcissistic personality disorder that fuels an insatiable drive for power, control, and recognition.
Who comes first: the terrorist or the narcissistic political leader? And at some point, does it even matter?
We are both the oppressed and the oppressor.
Over time, the oppressed become the oppressor and vice versa.
We love to point fingers and divide up blame, but I see blood everywhere. Perhaps there is more blood on some hands than others, but we are all complicit.
The crude violence of war is easy to see.
But what about the subtler forms of violence we perpetrate against ourselves and others?
The hatred, condemnation, judgment, impatience, and intolerance.
The way we exile parts of ourselves—and other people.
And it's a strange paradox that every war, every wall, every wound is our system’s best attempt at taking care of itself.
I see it in myself.
That part of me that wants to diagnose, to make sense, to contribute to solving problems far beyond my understanding in an effort to protect me from feeling the helplessness and hopelessness that's underneath.
It doesn’t take much imagination to picture my own family hiding in a bunker—or worse, with no shelter at all from an imminent threat.
It doesn’t matter if geographically we’re thousands of miles away.
If we can’t feel the ripples of bombs dropping, or hear the screams of families being slaughtered, maybe it’s not because we’re safe.
Maybe it’s because we’ve become numb and distracted.
Maybe our feet aren’t touching the ground.
Perhaps we must start with where we are and look within ourselves.
How am I perpetuating violence and separation? In my relationships? In my own mind?
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A friend in a long contemplative retreat recently wrote me an email with a question he’s been sitting with: "How does a bodhisattva deal with a narcissist?"
We could replace narcissist with terrorist because, as far as I’m concerned, they’re both violent expressions of deeply traumatized and troubled souls.
It seems that the only reasonable response to unbearable suffering is unbearable compassion. Sometimes that means fierce compassion, perhaps even physical force.
At the core of this (somewhat incoherent) reflection is a deep desire: To take more responsibility for the pain in the world and to expand the bounds of my compassion.
And maybe, in doing so, to inspire others to do the same.
Emotional Clearing 😡😭
This past month, I participated in the Emotional Clearing Crash Course led by Alexandra (Ali) Tataryn, daughter of clinical psychologist and Bio-Emotive Framework creator Douglas Tataryn.
One of my earliest podcast episodes was with Doug, which you can check out here.
The course consisted of two 4-hour intensive sessions learning the theory of the Bio-Emotive framework, followed by three 90-minute sessions where we put the theory into practice.
Although I was already familiar with Doug’s work, this course was both a refresher and a deepening into a profoundly powerful way of working with emotions.
Ali is a clear transmission of her father’s work, well verse in its theoretical foundations and emotionally attuned in her presence. Her capacity to hold space and guide practitioners through turbulent emotional terrain reflects not only her intellectual understanding but her embodied integration of this work.
For those who want to better understand and more skillfully process their emotions, I highly recommend the course.
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The Bio-Emotive framework makes a helpful distinction between emotions, interpersonal feelings, and core feelings.
Emotions like anger, fear, sadness, and joy are seen as biologically wired and patterned activations in the autonomic nervous system.
On the other hand, interpersonal feelings are our best guess of what any emotional activation might mean, including feeling rejected, belittled, dismissed, or unseen.
When we follow the thread, those interpersonal feelings often lead to core feelings—things like helplessness, inadequacy, unworthiness, or insignificance.
Core feelings are deep-seated imprints, often formed early in life, which shape how we interpret our experiences and who we believe ourselves to be.
At the heart of this work is the NEDERA process — a simple but powerful sequence that helps you slow down, notice what’s happening inside, and put words to the emotional truth that lies below the surface:
Notice – Identify signs of emotional or somatic activation (e.g., tension, shallow breath, obsessive thoughts).
Experience – Tune into bodily sensations and emotional energy without bypassing or intellectualizing.
Differentiate – Test emotion words to find which ones truly resonate somatically (e.g., “helpless,” “dismissed,” “ashamed”).
Express – Verbally articulate resonant feelings out loud to deepen access (e.g., “Thinking about that fight makes me feel helpless.”)
Resonate – Tune into the body and test for subtle shifts, “aha’s,” softening, or emotional discharge (crying, breath release).
Articulate – Summarize the emotional truth in a way that fully expresses your lived, felt experience.
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It’s possible to work with the NEDERA process yourself, but I find being able to do it in the loving presence of another amplifies its effectiveness.
I had a huge opening during one emotional clearing circle, which I believe was largely due to the energy of love & acceptance that I was held in.
You can learn more about the Bio-Emotive Framework here and sign up for their newsletter to get notified when Ali is running the Emotional Clearing crash course again.
Elevating Consciousness Podcast 🎙
In case you missed it, below is the podcast episode I released last month.
Awakening, Technology & The End of Meditation with Dor Konforty - Dor is a neuroscientist, entrepreneur, investor, and awakening teacher dedicated to distilling the first principles of the dharma and bringing them to every aspect of human life. He is also the author of The Heart Illuminated, a spiritual successor to Culadasa’s The Mind Illuminated. Drawing on over fifteen years of multidisciplinary experience, the book lays out a clear and systematic path towards awakening through a completely modern lens. In this episode, we explore Dor’s book The Heart Illuminated, his time studying with pragmatic dharma teachers—Culadasa, Daniel Ingram, Delson Armstrong, and Dan Brown —and dive into topics such as integrating emptiness with fullness, investing in awakening technologies that aim to make meditation unnecessary, aligning artificial intelligence with dharma, and navigating the complexities and controversies that can arise in relationships with spiritual teachers.
Insightful Links 🔗
The Therapist Who Breaks All the Rules - Terry Real on the Tim Ferriss podcast is a masterclass in creating healthier relationship dynamics. One simple insight: The next time your partner is upset, don’t try to fix it, try to understand it. Instead of debating the facts or defending your actions, ask, “Help me understand what felt bad for you.”
From Toxic Fighting to Healing Your Relationship - Following on the thread of creating better relationships, here is executive coach Joe Hudson talking with his wife Tara on the Modern Relationships podcast. If there is one takeaway, it’s that good relationships don’t just naturally unfold; they require both partners to be willing to do the inner work.
The Interbrain: How Collective Dreamweaving Can Heal the World - Project Liminality blends simple visuals and compelling storytelling to explain complex ideas. In this latest video, creator David Rug offers what is perhaps his most profound articulation yet of his vision for healing fragmented communication structures.
Quintessential Quote ✍️
“He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.” — Confucius
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