Non-duality & Boundaries: Navigating Conflict From an Expansive View
Spiritual bypassing, two forms of compassion, healthy boundaries & transforming suffering into liberation.
The following piece is a response to a question I received:
“How, without spiritual bypass, how does one successfully engage with those who do not have such a conceptual expansion of self, and wish you, or others, harm? Beyond seeing such fear/hatred as part of yourself, as might us Jungians, or seeing it from a far removed perspective as, that, too, is part of Self, Tat Tvam Asi, what response do you suggest is skillful?”
Most non-dual spiritual teachings tell us that beyond the apparent sense of separation between ourselves, others, and the world, there is an underlying boundless wholeness.
It’s common for people to interpret this as “we are all one,” attempting to resolve the paradox by collapsing multiplicity into unity. However, a more mature understanding recognizes that we are neither one nor two and yet inseparable.
Even within this boundless reality, harm can and does occur. To deny this would be foolish. Thus, the question remains: how do we skillfully navigate boundaries while holding a non-dual perspective?
Spiritual Bypassing & Idiot Compassion
First, I want to speak to the notion of spiritual bypassing, which can be defined as using spiritual teachings and practices to avoid unpleasant emotions and real-world responsibilities.
Some degree of spiritual bypassing seems unavoidable, but over time, we can see through these layers and embody a more grounded, humanistic spirituality—one that does not reject the relative in favor of the absolute.
One way spiritual bypassing manifests is through idiot compassion, which is described by Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön as:
“Our tendency to avoid conflict and protect our good image by being kind when we should definitely say ‘no.’”
In other words, it’s our failure to set a boundary when it would be best to do so.
Fierce Compassion & Healthy Boundaries
The antidote to idiot compassion is fierce compassion - the practice of combining kindness with strength, love with boundaries, and empathy with accountability.
Unlike idiot compassion, which avoids discomfort and enables harmful behavior, fierce compassion embraces the difficult aspects of care—like saying "no," standing up for what’s right, and allowing people to face the consequences of their actions.
Before engaging in spiritual practices, which often deconstruct the separate self, it’s important to do the developmental work of establishing a healthy self. This includes learning to set and maintain necessary boundaries.
Once we cultivate the ability to set healthy boundaries, we can begin to examine them. Through practice, we can come to see that boundaries are constructs and that before we particularize experience, there is a prior wholeness.
This realization does not negate the fact that, on a relative level, there are distinct bodies, personal histories, and unique perspectives.
One body can have cancer while another is cancer-free.
One mind holds a set of memories that another does not.
Yet, all thoughts, emotions, and bodily experiences arise within a boundless, knowing awareness. At the most fundamental level, this awareness is the same in all beings.
Transforming Suffering into Liberation
Through practice, we develop the capacity to hold this expanded view—where everything arises within and as the ocean of awareness. Over time, we embody this reality rather than merely conceptualizing it.
There will be times, particularly during challenging situations, when we fall out of this view. Nonetheless, we can learn to access this view with greater frequency and depth and address conflicts from this place.
If someone physically attacks us, we can defend ourselves without making it personal. The body knows what action to take without excessive intellectualizing or strategizing. Emotions arise and are experienced with clarity.
Most people do not intentionally seek to harm others, yet their choices and behaviors may still cause suffering. Often, the threats we perceive are magnified by the mind’s interpretations.
And yet, some people do live in war zones or face direct violence. In such dire circumstances, maintaining a spacious sense of self may seem impossible. But the same can also be true when things are going “too well,” when worldly comfort lulls us into spiritual complacency.
At the end of the day, we do the best we can—holding the most spacious, loving perspective available to us without beating ourselves up when our view contracts.
Beyond anything I said, each of us has a unique way of playing with the paradox of not one, not two. In the face of immense suffering, it can be difficult to see life as a dream or to recognize everything as boundless light. Yet, this is precisely the work of a dharma practitioner—transforming suffering into liberation.
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